The Writing Process — English

The topic sentence sets the boundary: every other sentence should be about exercise and the brain or learning.

Read each sentence and ask, “Does this help prove the topic sentence?” One of them doesn't.

You can delete the stray sentence or replace it with one that's actually on topic.

The sentence that breaks unity is “My cousin plays three sports and is always busy on weekends.” It is a personal aside about one person's schedule, not evidence about how exercise affects the teenage brain, so it pulls the paragraph off topic.

Revised paragraph: Regular exercise has a powerful effect on the teenage brain. Studies show that physical activity boosts memory and helps students concentrate in class. Exercise also improves mood by releasing chemicals that reduce stress. Even a short walk or bike ride before homework can sharpen focus for the hour that follows. Getting active most days can make school itself feel easier.

Now every sentence develops the single idea named in the topic sentence.

Response criteria

• Correctly identifies the off-topic sentence (the cousin who plays three sports)
• Removes or replaces it so the paragraph stays unified
• All remaining sentences support the topic sentence
• Treats the fix as revision (focus/unity), not mere proofreading

Hunt for specific error types: a misspelled word, a lowercase day, a verb that doesn't agree, a comma splice, and “Me and my friend.”

A run-on or comma splice can be fixed with a period, a semicolon, or a conjunction.

Editing polishes correctness; revising changes ideas, organization, or clarity — keep that distinction in your final sentence.

Edited: The library was crowded on Tuesday. Students were looking for a quiet place to study, but there weren't many seats left. My friend and I decided to share a table. We spread out our books and got to work, and it was actually pretty productive.

How editing differs from revising: editing corrects surface-level mechanics such as spelling, grammar, and punctuation, whereas revising reshapes the writing itself — its ideas, organization, and clarity — rather than just its correctness.

Response criteria

• Corrects the spelling errors (“libary,” lowercase “tuesday,” “wasnt”)
• Fixes the subject-verb agreement (“students was”) and pronoun case (“Me and my friend”)
• Repairs the run-on/comma splice into correct sentences
• Explains that editing fixes mechanics/correctness while revising changes ideas, organization, or clarity

A working thesis can change later, but it should still take a side now.

Each body paragraph should make one distinct reason — avoid three versions of the same point.

For evidence, name the type you'd look for (a statistic, an expert, a cost estimate), not made-up facts.

Working thesis: Our town should build a new skate park, because it would give young people a safe place to be active, reduce skating in unsafe areas, and cost less than critics assume.

Body 1 — Main point: A skate park gives teens a safe, supervised place to be active. Evidence needed: statistics on teen physical activity or a statement from a youth-health organization, plus examples from towns that built one.

Body 2 — Main point: A park reduces dangerous street skating and property conflicts. Evidence needed: police or city data on skating complaints or injuries before and after a park opened in a comparable town.

Body 3 — Main point: The cost is smaller than opponents claim. Evidence needed: a cost estimate for a comparable park, plus any grant or sponsorship options that offset it.

Response criteria

• States a working thesis that takes a clear position
• Outlines three body paragraphs with three distinct main points
• Names the kind of evidence needed for each point (not just the claim)
• Presented as a plan/outline rather than a finished essay

Look for short sentences about the same idea that could join with “and,” “because,” “which,” or a comma.

Mix it up: try starting one sentence with a phrase instead of the subject.

Read your revision aloud — it should sound smoother, not just shorter.

The storm broke at noon with startling force. Its winds tore a tree down onto the road, blocking it completely, so that no cars could get through. Stranded, drivers waited for hours before the way was finally clear.

Response criteria

• Combines several of the choppy sentences into longer, varied ones
• Varies sentence structure (not all subject-verb openings)
• Preserves all the original information and sequence
• Result reads more fluidly than the original

Revision feedback targets big-picture problems: vague claims, missing evidence, circular reasoning, thin development.

Be specific and kind — point to an exact spot and suggest a concrete fix.

Resist correcting small errors; that's editing, and it isn't what this draft needs most.

Nice start — your love of dogs comes through. Here are the two biggest things I'd revise before worrying about any small stuff.

First, the reasons are vague and a little circular: “they are good because they are nice” and “fun and good to have around” don't really tell the reader anything specific. Try replacing each with a concrete reason and an example — for instance, “Dogs encourage their owners to exercise, since they need daily walks,” followed by a real detail or fact.

Second, the draft doesn't develop its points; each idea gets only one short sentence. Pick your two strongest reasons and give each its own few sentences with support, instead of listing many weak ones. I'd also cut “everyone should have one,” since that's a big claim the essay never backs up. Fixing these ideas will matter far more than any commas.

Response criteria

• Identifies two significant revision-level issues (e.g., vague/circular reasoning, no evidence, undeveloped)
• Explains concretely how to fix each issue, not just that it's wrong
• Stays focused on revision (ideas/support/organization), not editing (mechanics)
• Feedback is specific to this draft and constructive in tone

Circle every “good,” “nice,” “stuff,” and “things” — each is a spot begging for a specific word.

Ask “good how?” and “what things exactly?” and answer with a concrete detail.

“Very” plus a weak word can usually become one strong word (“very good” becomes “impressive”).

The science fair was a lively, crowded event. Dozens of projects lined the gym, from erupting model volcanoes to a robotic arm that sorted marbles by color. One standout experiment tested how different kinds of music affected the growth of bean sprouts, complete with three weeks of measured data. The judges moved from table to table asking thoughtful questions and offering encouragement. By the time the ribbons were handed out, the room was buzzing, and students left proud of what they had built.

Response criteria

• Replaces the vague words (“good,” “nice,” “stuff,” “things,” “very”) with precise diction
• Adds specific, concrete details that create a clear picture
• Preserves the overall meaning and subject of the paragraph
• Reads as sharper and more vivid than the original